Ever heard of a breakup that was peaceful? Okay, peaceful is way too much. Maybe, positive (by both parties). One which ends with honor and respect. And goodness?
Yes, such breakups exist. And the term for such breakups is ‘Conscious Uncoupling’. These beautiful words were put into the world by Katherine Woodward and popularised by Gwyneth Paltrow.
Separation shakes you, the future looks bleak, and it feels like you can never be happy, joyful and painless again. Easiest of tasks like getting out of the bed feels humongous. There are mixed feelings of longing, revenge, anger, resentment, love, and hate. You have feelings of hurting your partner and causing them the same pain you’re going through.
That’s why she created the philosophy of Conscious Uncoupling, where you separate without any negative intentions for each other. And that might be a better way to go apart.
Conscious Uncoupling is for you if you are
And in Katherine’s words:
“Transform your pain into profound growth that will set you up to have greater levels of happiness and health.”
“Life is in different phases and different dimensions. If one does not move from one phase of life to another gracefully and joyfully and willingly, life will become ugly.”—Sadhguru
To understand why it’s better than a normal divorce, we spoke to Dr. Ruhi Satija, a psychiatrist & psychotherapist in Gujarat.
“Conscious uncoupling significantly reduces the trauma and stress that surrounds the process of separation and bypasses a lot of ugly scenarios encountered in the usual separation procedures which often have long term effects on the mental well being.
Especially if you have children, divorce can be a big life-changing event which can often scar them for life.
So conscious uncoupling in such cases helps families to cope better. The children have less or no bitterness towards the experience of their parents getting divorced.”
Veena (names changed to protect identity) and her husband Amit parted on the philosophy of Conscious Uncoupling. And they were kind enough to share their experience with MRM.
“The best part about parting consciously is that you get a friend for life who knows you well and has seen you through your best and worst. And since you separated on a note of genuine forgiveness, you don’t carry hatred in your heart allowing you to live the next part of your life in a better way without any ill thoughts.
Because of this, it is much better than normal divorces where the animosity causes so much trouble for everyone around you,” Veena shares.
Sounds beautiful, but doesn’t it still hurt?
To this, Veena replies, “Initially, there was a lot of hurts. In fact, there is hurt now as well. But we choose to keep that aside and move forward. We had decided that we won’t discuss the reasons for our divorce with anyone. Not even our parents. This made our friendship stronger because we decided to respect each other’s mistakes and not discuss them openly. Separating on good terms helped us stop the blame game. We gave each other time and respect. We chose joy, and patience over anger and resentment.”
Veena now has moved to Australia to study Masters, and her husband is a Department Head of Environment in GERMI, Gujarat.
Now, that’s enlightening. Divorce in India is riddled with a lot of blame game with entire khandans getting involved leaving no privacy to the couple in question. At such times, you might love adopting the Conscious Uncoupling philosophies in your life.
Veena suggests that Conscious Uncoupling may be too naive or idealistic in India where people think that you need to have a big reason to separate and a huge battle to see the separation through. But it may heal you faster and make you more forgiving towards the other person. You’ve spent so much of your life with the person whom you are going to separate with- it better be done with mutual respect and honor.
What will you choose?